It’s that time of year where everyone is leaving and going back or moving on and I just feel so stuck and diminished into something so insignificant. Truth is though, I just want to be happy with myself.
See the world for what it really is.
Write again when the words just haven’t been coming.
To finally date and be in a relationship where I love myself just as much as I’ll love my partner.
To feel accomplished, as though my life is heading in the right direction.
I just want life to make sense again – when I wasn’t so doubtful or so unsure or so miserable - when will it all make sense again?
These memories are enteral;
yet I still find myself changing.
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feeling, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life.
written by Charles Baudelaire (via sophianism)
I just want to find myself a cute date where we can talk about poetry and Shakespeare and get excited over new pieces that we’re writing and eat fruit and drink a lot of whisky and get tipsy and laugh over our own stupid stories and hold hands while we explore bookstores and cafes and marvel over art and get lost museums and travel together to new places and go on cute dates where we’re the last ones to leave and listen to music in our underwear as we cuddle and make out and fall asleep without a care in the world.
“Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something.,Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it.When people can’t do something themselves,they’re gonna tell you that you can’t do it.You want something, go get it.Period..” - the pursuit of happiness
"Babel" | Mumford & Sons | Live at the Amsterdam Ziggo Dome
Click here to download HQ mp3s of this track and Mumford & Sons’ full 30th March, 2013 concert at the Amsterdam Ziggo Dome.
I wanted to express a few thoughts about being in a relationship – earlier today my ex called and it made me think…and though I know I don’t have all the answers – there’s a few things I think I can share that are important about investing yourself into a relationship and if you do, here’s a few things to think about:
- Make sure you actually want to be in a relationship don’t use it as a means of escape – don’t use it as an excuse to cure loneliness - don’t use it to find confidence – to find validation – to feel loved and wanted – though that’s important it’s not something you should seek when it comes to being with someone. Because if you don’t want to be in a relationship, then don’t fucking lead someone to believe that you want to be in one. You need to love yourself first. You need to have confidence.
You need to be happy with yourself before you go and seek companionship because at that point, if you don’t, you’re dragging them into a hole that’s going to harm them in ways you can’t possibly predict.
Be in a relationship because YOU want to be in one – because you’re at the stage in your life where you can commit and support and listen and give and have patience and have understanding. If you can’t fully commit – then don’t be in a goddamn relationship.
It’s that simple.
- Don’t send mixed messages: don’t lead someone into believing something that isn’t true – don’t make promises you know you can’t keep – if you don’t want to be exclusive, you communicate that. If you want to be in an open relationship, you better speak up. If you just want to be friends who fuck around without any strings attached, you better say something. Because if you don’t –you’re lying to someone who is going to believe that it’s one on one – exclusive with many strings attached and if you don’t let them know otherwise, you’re hurting someone who doesn’t deserve that pain. Don’t lead someone fucking on. There is a person out there for everyone and if one person doesn’t want to be tied down, that’s okay, move on and find a partner who is okay with your rules and regulations. Compromise. Communicate.
Be open and honest. Trust me – if you do this upfront, it’s going to make a lot of things easier in the long run.
- Don’t get so caught up in wishful thinking and fantasies that you forget about the present – the future is a possibility but the only way to get there is if you’re present because you know what? Life can fucking suck sometimes and so can your relationship and all that time you spent thinking about what if and maybe and possibly could have been used to fix the now and the present.
- Don’t get lost in your own damn thoughts. If you have fears, express them. If you’re jealous say so but politely.
If you’re upset – express it but don’t blame someone – communicate – not argue. If you simply take the time to be honest about whatever it is that’s bothering you, it can avoid a lot of arguments that may happen if you don’t express yourself. Don’t build shit up.
Don’t put shit aside. Face the reality of whatever is wrong then and there and if you need space and time – ask politely and reassure them that you’re asking because you don’t want to do the wrong thing – or make the wrong mistake or say something hurtful – help them understand that you’re struggling and you just need time to figure shit out. Don’t yell. Don’t shout. Don’t blame.
Don’t assume. Just don’t. Communication is so damn important and if you don’t have communication, you don’t have trust and if you don’t have trust then what do you have?
- Compromise: let me repeat – compromise.
You’re never going to get exactly what you want but if you’re willing to sacrifice, if you’re willing to give a little bit of time away, if you’re willing to set aside money, if you’re simply willing to listen, to figure it out, it can help avoid a lot of bullshit. Don’t like that sex position?
Find a different one you both enjoy. Don’t like the band your partner enjoys? Go to the concert- suck it up – then ask them to go somewhere they may not enjoy because sometimes doing things for someone that they know you may not entirely enjoy says a lot about what they’re willing to do to show that they care – to make you happy and that’s okay. But don’t overdo it. Don’t give so much of what makes you happy that you’re only doing what they enjoy – you don’t want to feel as though they only care about what makes them happy. Find things you both enjoy.
Find things you enjoy for yourself. Find things they enjoy for themselves. Compromise – keep an open mind – be open to new ideas – new experiences – we’re all different so explore those differences.
- Talking about sex: this is a biggie. Sex in a relationship can make or break a connection with your partner – from my experiences, if you’re not willing to be adventurous – if you’re not willing to explore – it could lead into some boring times and if that’s what you enjoy, keeping it simple, that’s okay. But if your partner asks you about a new position, using toys, doing this, doing that, keep an open mind and think about it – start out slow – see what you enjoy and see what you don’t – COMMUNICATE.
Because this is where the double edge sword comes into play – yes, exploring can be fun, trying new things in the bedroom can be incredible but if there’s something that you simply don’t enjoy, if it hurts, if it makes you feel uncomfortable – if there’s something better or different that your partner can do to make it feel better for yourself – you need to speak up. No means no.
Let me think about it means let me think about it.
Try this means try this: point is – don’t be afraid to voice your thoughts and feelings when it comes to sex.
We can’t read minds. It’s better to speak up and do something else than to regret it later or feel uncomfortable because someone didn’t say something - that can lead into some pretty fucked up territory and trust me when I say you don’t want that. But have fun. Laugh. Fool around.
Enjoy. Sex ISN’T a PERFORMANCE. It’ NOT a CONTEST.
It’s fun. It’s kinky. It’s enjoyable. It’s funny.
Enjoy yourself with your partner.
- Let’s talk about I love you: I love you to some can mean utterly nothing while I love you to others can mean the world to someone special – but be careful and this is what I’m trying to express – the usage of language in a relationship is one of the most important factors that you need to consider. Don’t say shit just to say it.
Just don’t fucking do it. If you don’t love the person, don’t say it.
If you can’t promise them the world and mean it – don’t fucking do it. If you can’t buy them food for dinner next Saturday because you’re a little bit low on money but tell them that you can and then end up not doing it – just fucking say no. It’s okay to say no.
Don’t call each other names that will degreed each other –don’t say fuck you – don’t call someone a bitch or a pussy –don’t say shit you don’t mean. If you’re going to tell someone you love them – you better fucking mean it or you’re causing a world of pain for whomever and you can easily avoid that by being honest – work your way towards promises and big words. What you say to your partner and how you say it isn’t something to take lightly.
Avoid the words you don’t mean. Avoid the words that may hurt. Avoid the names that can sting. Just be careful with your usage of language – it can make a big difference.
- Identity: I hear this often enough that I think it’s important to understand that only because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean you need to give up the individual aspects of who you are – what I mean is that you are still who you are with or without your partner. You are still the same person. You still have the same friends. The same old life. The same old interests.
Don’t give that up for anyone. You can still be happy with your partner while still being yourself, without having to give up a part of your life, without having to give up your friends, without having to give up your thoughts and ideas.
You don’t have to lose yourself to be happy with someone else. A relationship isn’t so much about giving up bits and pieces of who you are as it is about sharing them.
Please remember this.
- Most importantly: enjoy. A relationship shouldn’t just be about companionship or love or sex or understanding or support or guidance or fun; it’s all the above mixed into a cocktail that can give you a nasty hangover but also memories and experiences you’ll never forget.
Travel, go out together, make time for dates but also make time for friends; hold each other when the world is too much but give each other space to understand why it’s okay to be alone sometimes; make love, fuck every now and then – have fun; share interests but explore something new together; treat each other with respect but poke fun at each other to remind yourself it doesn’t always have to be serious; learn and grow together but also grow as an individual; support each other when the shit hits the fan but remind each other of the realities of life – everyone needs a good kick in the ass every now and then – but most importantly, above all else, respect each other – trust – be comfortable and enjoy. Know it won’t be easy but nothing ever is. A relationship can be one of the most rewarding and memorable experiences in your life.
But fully understand that sometimes people grow apart and that’s okay – it’s not about the finish line but more about the journey you take to get there.
Day 102 of 365
Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see - You’ll see
I think what bothers me the most about meaningless sex – as in an one night stand or a simple hookup isn’t the action of it, because sometimes it’s just nice to feel wanted – it’s the aftermath of knowing that there can’t be more.
That you can’t trace your fingers to admire, to cherish, to appreciate – you find yourself knowing that you can’t hold them closer to not only feel wanted but to simply have someone’s warmth next to you. And perhaps that’s just me – I can’t just fuck – I can’t just feed into my desire to replace empty spaces for the sake of having someone there. What I want is to hold them after when everything is said and done and I can smile towards their direction and they’ll know just how beautiful they are to me –
Where I can memorize every mark on their skin and trace them with my lips – feeling every indent – and then to fall asleep without a care and to wake up with their scent hovering over my skin like a gentle kiss which lingers long after.
I just want that special somebody to hold for the night.
Two/Epilogue (acoustic)-the Antlers
Just found this while reading their AMA on Reddit; apparently they just set up camp in the back of a cafe in Paris and started playing.
I don’t know how these guys do it-I’ve never known a band that could create so much emotion in me every single time I listen to them. I’ve heard these songs dozens of times before-I’ve even heard “Epilogue” live-and somehow hearing this has put me on the verge of tears yet again.
The Antlers are incredible.
This is unbelievable.
Please, take 15 minutes out of your day to watch this.
Björk - Hyperballad